Thursday, March 31, 2011

Sock Monkeys from HELL!

I admit, sock monkeys have always creeped me out, ever since I was a child.  I don't know why.  I was never attacked by one, never even owned one.....but there has always been something about them that I found unnerving.  These, however, just take the cake.

Let's start with cute ones ---

Cute, I guess.  Don't quite get the pom poms on top - and do sock monkeys have ears that big?

Yeah, he's cute....ok.  But an entire sock monkey outfit?  And those ears -- again -- do they normally have ears like that?

I'm beginning to realize it's the giant red mouths that bother me the most.  I could never drink coffee with this on the cup.

Dude, you can say no to your wife.  Really, you can.  She may cut you off for awhile, but it will be worth it.  No more pictures like THIS of you on the internet will be worth it.

First of all, let me say how utterly disturbing it is to me that there is a giant porcelain sock money somewhere.  Second, sock monkeys on your boobs?  (and that flowered blouse of your grandma's must be returned immediately)

How do you make a sock money even creepier?  Make it a spider!

Or make it a mutant sock monkey.

Or give it extra arms and breasts.  There are hindus all over the world who are offended right now.

OMG! The stuff nightmares are made of.

Holy crap!  I don't want to know --- I really don't, and I don't think anyone else does either.

Not in MY house, you don't!  

And now...the couture side of the sock monkey phenomenon. Is it a phenomenon?  To me it is!?  And is it couture?  That's for you to decide, as beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder when it comes to these "fashions"...... and I use that word VERY loosely...

Oh, man.... I was gonna wear that to the prom!

More monkey boobs!  WTH?

And another view - note the big red mouth on her butt.  I can do nothing but roll my eyes.

Umbrella?  Cute, I guess.  Bikini?  It just gets a "WTF?" in a big way.

I am speechless

YIIIIKKKEESSS!!  I would be running from that room screaming....literally.

It does not get any more frightening.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Crazy Pet Knitting

I keep thinking I'm done with the pets, but apparently not.  Because there are just way too many lunatic knitters out there with a wide variety of pets they insist on knitting for.  I don't even know if I can prepare you for this.  I mean, it's really crazytown........

A horse sweater - ok.  Yes, we've all seen horse blankets at the race track.  But to actually knit one!?  That's a LOT of yarn and time there!  And pink?  No.

Sweaters for baby goats.  Last time I checked, baby goats had fur....and lived inside for the most part.  

Sweaters for lambs -- isn't that just redundant?  Didn't they donate their fleece to make the yarn in the first place?  Would you cut off your own hair and then make a wig with it?

Cute?  Yes, of course!  But, why???? I mean, this guy's a furball!  I hope that's not angora yarn!

And this rabbit just HAD to have a bandana, because......because......... um.......never mind.

It's so sad when chickens get cold.  Plus the meat gets tough from all that shivering, so this is a necessity!

So, might as well get them used to the knitwear while they're still young.

Now, this guy is quite furry and lives inside.  I KNOW he doesn't get taken for walks or go outside to play.  So, why?  Again, I ask .....why??

I've GOTTA think that knitting a house for a hamster or mouse is a huge waste of time.  I'm no expert, but I have been the owner of a hamster or two in my life.  And I KNOW damn well, a hamster or mouse will chew that thing apart in a matter of days!  So, just give them the damn yarn and don't waste your time!

A birds' nest.  With a lovely flower brooch on it to help camouflage it and make it look more natural, so as not to scare away the birds.  Uh.....yeah....sure......

Oh, so now we're knitting for DEAD animals!?  Nice.

And if you don't like animals, just knit yourself a pet rock.
Just do me a favor and DON'T knit it a sweater!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Ugly Sweaters

That's right, folks.....  they're not just for Christmas anymore!  I've been collecting pix of ugly sweaters hoping a group of them would speak to me in some way - come together in a cohesive way somehow.... but in the end, they are a cohesive group just simply in their ugliness.  I think ugly sweater parties should be a year-round happening!  Well, maybe not such a good idea in July.... sweaty acrylic and wool.....ugh....... never mind! 

This is one of the following two:  two girls using illegal substances went sweater shopping, OR two girls think that Ray-Bans will make these sweaters look cooler.  I'm voting for #1.

Now, do not get me wrong.....I LOVE my gays.... I really do!  But, guys.... really....I think the two of you showing up at the party together, looking all metrosexual, manicured, and all, is enough to clue us in.  The sweaters just scream it to the masses.

I am honestly nearly speechless with this one.  Pigs.  With a weird shag collar.  Little clumps of grass.  On a dirt brown background.  Other than Mrs. Oscar Meyer, not sure who this would be for.

Bill Cosby...paging Bill Cosby.......... I believe we have found one of your sweaters from 1986.

Boy, oh boy.......I hope this was taken at an ugly sweater party, because, if not...... well.......that guy should just be arrested......cuz you know he is mentally ill and will do something really creepy really soon.....if he hasn't already.

Even though the head is cut off, you can tell this was being worn by a cool brother.  The hint of tiny braids, the stonewashed jeans.....definitely a hip guy.  This sweater, however...not hip....not cool....AND it's crocheted.....simply heinous.

I'm not even sure there is a zany enough grandma in Miami Beach to wear this one.

AAARRRGGHHHHH!!  I can't see!  I've gone blind!!  Someone call Dr. House!

Matching ugly there's an idea for the ages.

And this one?  I honest to God have no words.  I think the guy's face says it all.  What it says is this:  "WTF!!?"

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Grab a green beer and some corned beef and cabbage or Irish stew and sit back and enjoy these BAD shamrock knits!

A little bold there, folks - some subtlety might be in order here.

And again, subtlety, my knitting friends.....this is just CRAZY - wow!

Because we all need beaded green wristbands for those workouts.

Shamrock hats should be knit in exceptions, except maybe white.  Blue is unacceptable.

I said blue is unacceptable!  (Gosh, you people are stubborn!)

Oh, you guys are just being smart-asses now!  Yes, it's green and white, just like I said, but .....really?  I guess I need to mention the obvious -- make it NOT ugly!

OMG - I give up!  When you make a statue blush, that's just IT!

Some people like to knit pieces that allow you to look like a leprechaun.  OK -- whatever floats your boat, really, BUT
Yes, he may be dressed like a leprechaun, but that kid is NOT Irish!

That's not even funny - and when you wake up to every single window treatment in your house clawed to shreds, you will know I am right.

Mildly amusing...yes, but still creepy and just weird.

"WHAT IS THAT?" you are asking yourself at this very minute.
So I am going to give you a moment to think it over
OK - time's up!  It's a pillow!  Stop laughing!  I swear it IS!  Well, I know what it looks like and some Irishman would be quite proud, but I swear it IS a pillow.  I'm not kidding.....seriously......quit laughing!

I could go on, but I won't.  I just don't know if I have the strength.  I have the pictures.....lord knows (there are some crazy Irish knitters out there!) but I think that last one pretty much sums it up.

See ya next time!